“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Viktor E. Frankl in Man's Search for Meaning
Why Change Feels So Hard
Our brains are hardwired to interpret change as a potential threat. Even when we choose the change, the initial excitement is often followed by fear of the unknown. This is because the brain craves familiarity. Predictability feels safe.
When familiarity is taken away, the amygdala: (the small, almond shaped structure in the brain responsible for detecting threat) becomes activated. Its job is simple: protect you. It triggers a cascade of responses that prepare the body for fight, flight, or freeze.
Change inevitably signals the end of what is known and the beginning of something unfamiliar. It disrupts routine. It can create a temporary sense of helplessness or loss of control.
Think back to earlier transitions in your life:
- Starting a new job
- Becoming a parent
- Moving to a new city or country
- Leaving home or adult children moving out!
- Starting or ending a relationship
When change arrives unexpectedly, the sense of threat can intensify even further. Without warning or preparation, it can amplify feelings of helplessness. Is it any wonder that our nervous system reacts so strongly? This response is not a sign of weakness. It is biology.
The Good News
Our brains are remarkably adaptable. No doubt you have already navigated significant changes in your life. When doubt creeps in, take a moment to remember the qualities you drew upon during past transitions. Perhaps these are: courage, persistence, creativity, resilience. They are still in you.
When change feels overwhelming, try these practical strategies to help regulate your nervous system:
Breathe Intentionally
- Inhale through the nose for 6 counts
- Hold for 2
- Exhale through the mouth slowly for 6 counts
- Hold for 2
- Repeat several times
Slow breathing signals safety to the brain.
Notice and Name
Pause and identify the strongest emotion present.
- “Right now, I’m noticing fear.”
- “Here, I’m noticing sadness.”
- “I’m noticing anger right now.”
Naming emotions reduces their intensity and brings clarity.
Ground Yourself
Engage your senses:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can hear
- 3 things you can touch
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
This anchors you in the present moment and signals to the amygdala that you are safe.
Breathe. Again.
Breathe and repeat.
Focus on What You Can Control
Shift your attention to the smallest actionable step within your control. Even tiny actions restore a sense of agency.
Seek Safe Connection
Reach out to people who help you feel steady with, like trusted friends, family members, colleagues, or sometimes, a professional. Choose connection that soothes rather than amplifies stress.
These strategies don’t eliminate the source of discomfort. Instead, they help you access the thinking, reflective part of your brain. The place where perspective and self-compassion live. When the thinking part of the brain is activated, you expand your range of choices in the moment and in how you respond to change.
Change can feel destabilising. But it is also evidence of growth.
And remember, you have done hard things before.
You’ve got this.